Top Gear 12x08
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| style="font-size:111%;text-align:center;background:{{#switch: {{{Show}}} | #default = #C6C9FF | Angel = #5678AC | Buffy the Vampire Slayer = #5678AC | Entourage = #FBBC87 | Firefly = #fc9 | Home and Away = #F9BA5B | Stargate Atlantis = #7F8EB7 | Stargate SG-1 = #7F8EB7 | The 4400 = #B9D0E8 | The O.C. = #FFAA44 | The Simpsons = #FADA00 | Veronica Mars = #C0D883 | Sex and the City = #EAADEA | OldTG = #FFD700
}};" colspan="2" | “[12x08]” | |||||||
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 {{#if:The boys discovering 15 million Vietnamese đồng.|The boys discovering 15 million Vietnamese đồng.}} | |||||||||||||||||||||
| Episode no. | Series 12 Episode 8 | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Written by | {{{Writer}}} | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Music used | Go there | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Directed by | {{{Director}}} | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Guest stars | Boris Johnson | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Photographed by | {{{Photographer}}} | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Production no. | 1208 | ||||||||||||||||||||
| Original airdate | December 28th, 2008 | ||||||||||||||||||||
| colspan="2" style="background:{{#switch: 12 | #default = #C6C9FF | Angel = #5678AC | Buffy the Vampire Slayer = #5678AC | Entourage = #FBBC87 | Firefly = #fc9 | Home and Away = #F9BA5B | Stargate Atlantis = #7F8EB7 | Stargate SG-1 = #7F8EB7 | The 4400 = #B9D0E8 | The O.C. = #FFAA44 | The Simpsons = #FADA00 | Veronica Mars = #C0D883 | Sex and the City = #EAADEA | OldTG = #FFD700
}};" | Series 12 episodes {{{Series list}}} | |||||||
}} {{#if:List of Top Gear Series 12 episodes| | |||||||||||||||||||||
| List of Top Gear Series 12 episodes
}} | |||||||||||||||||||||
Top Gear: Vietnam 
was a special 75 minute long episode in which the Boys attempt to travel from the south of Vietnam to the north, something the American's couldn't do. The challenge, to travel 1000 miles (1600 km) from Hồ Chí Minh City (Saigon), in the south of Vietnam to Hạ Long city, near Hanoi (Hà Nội) in the north in eight days, was undertaken by regular presenters Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May.
Unlike normal episodes of Top Gear, in which the challenges were related to the abilities of the vehicles reviewed, such as the Toyota Hilux in the Top Gear Polar Special, producer Andy Wilman admitted that "the narrative of the film is a bit more skewed towards the three guys."
The journey began at the heart of Saigon, where the three presenters were each given shoeboxes full of 15 million Vietnamese đồng to buy vehicles. At first ecstatic about the seemingly vast amount of money they were given by the producers this time, they soon discovered that it was not enough to buy a car (James May discovered that a standard Fiat 500 cost 560,000,000₫ (£22,000), while their 15 million only equated to around £600 or $1000 USD). As a last resort, all three — much to Clarkson's dismay — decided to buy motorbikes. Hammond bought a Russian-built 125cc two-stroke Minsk, May a 50cc four-stroke Honda Cub and the unenthusiastic Clarkson purchased a green Piaggio Vespa. (According to the DVD commentary, Clarkson's Vespa was equipped with several rear-view mirrors in order to conceal a handlebar-mounted camera.)
A programme sequence purporting to show Clarkson learning to ride the Vespa for the first time was in fact a sham - Clarkson had previously ridden two-wheeled transport, without assistance, during a visit to Vietnam for his series "Jeremy Clarkson's Motorworld", broadcast on 12th January 1995.
Hammond was the only one whose head was small enough to fit inside a locally-bought helmet, while May resorted to using a colander for head protection. Clarkson used a metal bucket, replacing it with a proper helmet after several hours of "learning" to ride the Vespa.
The first leg of the journey was from Saigon to the mountain town of Đà Lạt, where they spent the night drinking Vietnamese beer (Bia Saigon Export), eating local cuisine made from snake meat (which Hammond refused) and taking shots of vodka mixed with the snake's blood and bile, much to Hammond's disgust.
The next morning, Hammond was shown his flattened motorcycle helmet, which had been crushed by May and Clarkson as a result of the previous evening's libations and replaced with a new pink one. May joked, "Don't take this the wrong way. Different colors assume different significance in different cultures. To us, that is an effeminate color but to them it's the color of warriors". Shortly after, they set off for the city of Nha Trang. Along the way, the trio encountered torrential monsoonal rain and other calamities, with May running out of fuel and Hammond's clutch cable snapping.
Constant breakdowns caused a problem for the pair of two-stroke machines and due to Hammond's clutch cable and an earlier breakdown of Clarkson's Vespa, the producers were prompted to stop footing the bill for their mounting repairs and instead punish the presenters if they broke down, by making them complete the voyage in an unappealing vehicle (a function served by the Volkswagen Beetle in the "Botswana Special" in series 10): a Honda Chaly mini-bike, painted and flanked in a Stars and Stripes livery (similar to the bike seen in the film Easy Rider) and fitted with an iPod audio system continuously playing Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the U.S.A." (the iTunes version of the episode had "The Star-Spangled Banner" blaring, instead). The presenters contended that riding the bike would be inappropriate because memories of the Vietnam War were still ripe among the local populace. (Ironically, as Born in the U.S.A. is a Vietnam War protest song).
In Nha Trang, Clarkson presented Hammond with a scale model of a Spanish galleon, which Hammond now had to transport on the back of his Minsk. The next leg of the trip passed through Tuy Hòa, Qui Nhơn, Quảng Ngãi and Tam Kỳ, and ended in Hội An (described by Clarkson as "Vietnam's Saville Row"). During this stay they purchased bespoke new clothes, and Clarkson enjoyed a short break from his various problems in a hotel. Hammond and May spent the day driving their bikes on the beach. Whilst on the beach Hammond received a very moving talk from a local who had fought in the Vietnam War. The deaf-mute veteran explained to Richard how he had fought on the beach, explaining his thoughts by writing on the sand. It concluded with him writing the word "deaf", Hammond left him by saying "This beach, yours. I'll go".
That night, Hammond spent his time repairing his bike after it had been partially submerged in sea water while Clarkson teased him by reciting the lyrics of Born in the U.S.A.
In the morning, they continued their journey to Huế through the Hải Vân Mountain Pass, which Clarkson praised as "...a deserted ribbon of perfection — one of the best coast roads in the world." Beforehand, Hammond and Clarkson stopped at a marble sculptor to procure May's gift: a small, but heavy, statue of a ballet dancer. Mid-way through the pass, Hammond and May presented Clarkson with a bulky painting.
In Huế, Clarkson and May convinced several staff at a local restaurant to vandalise Hammond's Minsk by spray-painting it bright pink, while Hammond repaired his model ship (damaged during the journey) in the hotel's business centre.
The next day, they entered North Vietnam through Đông Hà, where they spent the morning completing the challenge of securing licences. This entailed sitting through a theory lesson in classroom. All were asked to stand up and answer a question. May made hand gestures, Hammond then made an arbitrary comment about turning vehicles giving way (in English), while Clarkson made an incomprehensible Vietnamese statement that was deemed correct. They then proceeded to a practical riding test, attempting to navigate a course marked out by paint on the ground. Hammond and May passed, while Clarkson repeatedly failed, unable to stay within the painted guidelines. They concluded the challenge by reasoning that, as Clarkson had passed the theory and the other two had passed the practical, Top Gear had collectively passed the test.
After visiting the bullet-torn Citadel of Huế (one of the major casualties during the Tet Offensive of 1968), Clarkson calculated that the trio could not make it to their final destination in the allotted time. They therefore decided to "cheat" by boarding an overnight train to Hạ Long, a 13-hour journey which bypassed Vinh, Thanh Hóa and Nam Định. To kill time in the train each presenter tried to "fix" the damage accumulated by the other's gift: Hammond tried to refurbish Clarkson's ripped painting by adding a Land Rover; Clarkson tried to superglue May's shattered sculpture back together; and May transformed Hammond's galleon into a Chinese junk. Upon disembarking, the trio discovered that they had boarded the wrong train and had arrived in Hanoi (Hà Nội), 79.49 mi (127.93 km) to the west of their intended destination.
During the final push to Hạ Long, Clarkson fell off his Vespa, breaking 2 ribs and badly scraping his right arm and elbow. He finally concluded of two-wheel motoring, "I've always said to my children that if they buy a bike I will burn it and if they replace it with another one I shall burn that too. Now, however, if they buy a bike I will completely understand — and then I'll burn it."
By dusk, the exhausted trio had arrived at the wharf in Hạ Long, only to be given one final challenge: to navigate the maze of 1,969 limestone islets in Hạ Long Bay and get to Ba Hàng Bar, located in a cove somewhere in the waters, by converting their motorcycles into watercraft overnight. Upon setting off the next morning, May's craft nearly sank early on and was towed back to shore for repairs. Meanwhile, Hammond and Clarkson got lost and found themselves stuck in the mouth of a cave. Eventually, Clarkson reached their destination first, Hammond second (after his steering had failed), and May later joined them by swimming from where his "bike-ski" had disintegrated and started to sink for the second time. In the film's conclusion, Clarkson summed up their adventure and ended with "Vietnam: You don't know, man! You weren't there!"
Continuing Top Gear Specials' tradition, the ending credits featured the first names of the crew all being replaced by "Francis Ford", in reference to film-maker Francis Ford Coppola and his Vietnam War epic Apocalypse Now.
